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What now?

Saturday, August 12th. 2017 I've never been able to float in the water laying on my back. I blame my heavy legs, they always start submerging first and then my whole body follows.  I haven't felt the need to write for a while. I certainly didn't feel like writing today, yet here I am, after an incredibly crazy day. Filled with more emotions than I thought I could handle. Intense love and joy followed by extreme self-doubt and self-deprecation, bursts of energy followed by resistance, laziness and tiredness, extreme satisfaction, great comraderie, and short but intense bursts of self loathe. How can a human experience all these feeling in less than a day?  I wonder how it all happened. How did I end up in this situation? Letting my emotions get the best of me and control my whole being to the point that I wanted to stop thinking. Thinking was unbearable, it pained my whole being. Thinking about my insecurities, my weaknesses, my feelings of never being charming ...
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She is my here

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Wednesday, August 16th. 2017 My parents like to keep their fridge full of random magnets, and my mom specially, adjusts her collection according to the holidays. Yet there's a magnet that has stayed consistently in the left door just above the ice dispenser. While growing up I would unconsciously read it every day, never really giving it my full attention. And even though I haven't been in their house for two years now that magnet and its words came to me yesterday, in full color and shape.  The design is not the same but the words are. Right now I am holding back, I can feel it. The fear of being disappointed again, the fear of loving more than I am being loved. I don't want to feel like this though, I want to love you fully and unapologetically. Right now I am on your back burner, somebody else comes first in your life. This scares me, it scares me that you might choose him over me. That you will look at me as a 'what if' and dismiss me only as a good d...
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This is my here-ness

Tuesday August 1st, 2017 The return to writing.  Why I leave and come back every time. To writing. To hereness. To myself.  Maybe this is the place where I can let my thoughts flow and feelings and I suddenly have clarity of where I'm going.  We'll, I don't remember what I wanted this blog to be about but I'll write out what my current recipe for success will be.  Start having more WONDER in everyday life. Being open to something wonderful to happen in every day life.  Wake up every single morning hoping that day will be the best day of your life.  That's how I woke up every day at 4:30am for 15 days. Not really knowing but hoping and feeling that this day. Right now. Has the possibility of being amazing. It holds the promise of a better you. It smells like a new day. It allows today to really become the start of something new.  Right now I am using the same technique that I used to do my homework throughout all my student l...
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Legacy

Monday May 22nd. 2017  If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. - Newton, Isaac What is it that I'm afraid of the most? I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to not be remembered. I'm afraid to live a life unloved.  I am now part of somebody else's legacy, and I am beyond honored.  How much of my personality and identity is me, and how much is it legacy from others?
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Back to my Why...

Monday, May 15th. 2017 Looking back at the posts I made on this blog I was able to remember why I started writing in the first place. It not about creating followers, or about putting myself out there for people to comment and critique on my thoughts and feelings. I did this as a way of reflection and documentation. For example, I had already forgotten the day of "A world of wonders and vision", I had forgotten to be amazed at everything that is happening in the world, because everything is worthy of amazement. And in this forgetfulness I became used to world. Not surprised.   Having this blog gave me the opportunity to look back and change my perspective on things, it reminded me to remain amazed. So, from now on, I'll use this blog as a way to preserve my thoughts, my experiences, my reflections and my dreams. I'll write without an agenda or a deadline. I'll write without rules or expectations. I'll write because writing is what keeps me sane and in t...
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Growth manifesto

Friday April 14th, 2017 Growth manifesto To do, when doing is not easy. To say, when saying is not easy. To be, when being is not easy. To care, when caring is not easy. To love, when loving is not easy. How did I end up where I'm at? With very few tangibles to show for but with great relationships. With my parents, my brother, my sister, my sister-in-law, my nieces. As well as an incredible sense of direction, and the unconditional support of several people I've met in my journey so far.  Still, I yearn the achievements and successes. I yearn the tangibles and the recognition. So what has stopped me? These were a few of the thoughts plaguing my mind as I was traveling to Phoenix, AZ from Seattle, WA. And as my plane was experiencing turbulence a question came into my mind.  If you were to die right now, what would you regret? Not starting the project I've been meaning to start since the beginning of the year. Not asking that beautiful girl out. Not t...
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A Life of Wonder and Vision

Thursday, April 13th. 2017 Today was poorly planned and so I didn’t get much accomplished. I spent almost half of my day commuting. Still, I had a revelation. A shift in perspective.  As I was sitting on the bus for the 3rd hour in the day already, I noticed something peculiar in the bus. Everything. Every bolt, every cable, every sticker, every window, every piece of metal. This machine was the result of the work of hundreds of individuals, all of them with a single goal in mind. Building parts of a greater machine that will eventually be pieced together to create a transportation system for humans.  At the same time, as I looked outside of the bus’ window I wondered in nature’s beauty. One of the differences between us and nature is nature’s capability to create perfect systems where the concept of waste does not exist.  There lies my vision. A world where humans coexist with nature in a symbiotic way. No system harming the other. Humans celebrating each...
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